I had a conversation the other day with my wife about my former marriage. She periodically asks me questions about how things were, how they went sour, etc. And what I felt, what I knew and when.
My first wife used to joke that she only married me because I would make pretty babies. Then she’d laugh, and I’d laugh, and we’d go about whatever it was that we were doing.
Until once, many years later in marriage counseling, she made a similar statement, but this time no one was really laughing. I think the marriage counselor did for a brief moment, then realized the gravity of what she said, and looked all serious.
Later on, that same marriage counselor told me that as a Christian Counselor to a Christian man, in his spiritual capacity he recommended that I divorce my ex-wife. I was shocked, and so I asked him why he’d say that. His only reply was that he couldn’t divulge my Ex’s secrets due to the “doctor-patient” relationship, confidentiality and all. In his opinion there was no way to expect that she would ever change, or come around. Wow.
I had to think through that for a while. And then things began to come clear. Like the time when we first began to date and I met her room-mate, a rather masculine looking woman with a very short haircut, broad shoulders, no makeup, etc. I felt like the woman was glaring at me, and couldn’t even bring herself to talk with me when later I picked my then-date up to go to a movie. I thought it was weird.
Later, when we married, how that same woman who had been a very close friend of my then wife for a number of years didn’t even show up at the wedding, though she had been invited. Hmmm.
And how many years into the marriage my Ex began to gradually weave homosexuality unexpectedly into conversations, and why did I feel about it the way that did? And what if my son, or a friend, were gay?
And finally my father-in-law told me a story of when my Ex was about to be confirmed, and had a private conversation in the kitchen with the Pastor. The conversation ended abruptly, and the Pastor left in a huff, telling my in-laws that he couldn’t confirm their daughter, and that she would be going to Hell. Wish I had know about THIS earlier.
The most telling thing was how after having two beautiful children, my Ex suddenly pronounced that marital intimacy was no longer a necessary part of our marriage. Forever more.
It took a couple of years for all of these fragments, swirling around in my head, to coalesce into a recognizable picture. One that been hiding right there in plain view.
All that to say that it’s become obvious now that my Ex is a closet lesbian, who had only married me so that she could have pretty babies. She had been telling the truth openly all along.
That truth doesn’t make any of the rest of it easier, less painful, or confusing. Or redeem those lost years, make them suddenly turn to gold. For any who were involved.
But at last I realize that no matter what I tried to do, how I tried to fix what I thought was broken, the fundamental problem wasn’t with me. Sure, I could have been a better husband, better man, prayed more, listened more closely to God. But even all of that would not have changed this one dark fact.
I firmly believe that somehow, I am better for this, and somewhere along the way what I have experienced will make a difference in another life. That the Lord will bless the brokenness of the past, and bring joy and healing to others.
He has given me a wonderful companion, the love of my life, so the healing has begun!